Guns for hands

I’ve not written anything in ages and I’m at a bit of a stalemate with my eating disorder. I can’t ignore the sheer amount of progress I’ve made since I was a teenager but I still can’t shift the deep seated self hate and desire to lose weight. Every few months I try to diet again, I’m currently on a ‘diet’ that’s lasted about a month now and not failed yet and I want to look at body positivity and love myself and encourage myself but I want to lose weight more than those things.

Weight loss is always more appealing to me than trying to learn to love myself. It seems too hard a goal. 

Back a step after weighing myself AGAIN on dad’s scales, should really have asked him to hide them before i arrived.

I am fucking worthy.

On a seperate note, I know that as a senior mentor with NCS i’m bound to get far too emotionally invested in any young people who have ED’s or any other mental health proble, I got quite upset at the training when they talked about dealing with young people with mental health issues as it just rang too true. It’s something I really need to deal with if I want to work with young people.

There are triggers literally everywhere you go, and you can do some things to try and reduce them but the world isn’t bubble wrapped.

I arrived at dad’s house on friday, he’s not as clued up as mum so he left his scales in the bathroom which i found really difficult. Then at the NCS training weekend, a boy was talking about losing his uni weight this summer. In dad’s living room, there’s a picture of me and dad when I was 16 and still very ill. 

All these things have made me feel really ‘fat’ and unhappy today, but I’d like to remind myself that I have permission to love myself and to love my body even when i’m feeling triggered, I have permission to be happy and fulfilled even though I don’t fit society’s mould of how I should look.

This is me giving myself permission, and you should too. 

3:42 am thoughts

Being a nightline volunteer is hard. I want to be able to help lots of people and i can’t. The system is failing so many people, the NHS is underfunded, the counselling services have long waiting lists and there’s just me sitting in a room at an SU all night, trying to be an ear to people and failing. 

Had a call where someone mentioned Heads Up (the mental health awareness society i started) and they said that it wasn’t doing enough to help students.

We shouldn’t have to be the ones helping students, we’re just students ourselves! 

Anyway gonna try and get some kip